So now I’m going to dig right in to my life and share feelings with all of you that I have only shared with the closest people in my life.
I am hurting these days in a way that is so hard for me…so deeply painful.
The hurt shows itself in many forms and the one that really gets me every time is the ‘heart’ hurt. You see, most of my life when I was feeling hurt I would quickly turn that in to anger. I would act out, I would be awful to the people around me and that is how I made it through. But this ‘heart’ hurt is a lot to bare.
It feels like someone is sitting on my chest.
I do the things that I know will help like working out, meditating, trying to eat well and so on, but nothing really helped this past week.
I have barely slept and have cried more than I would care to admit.
The anger is bubbling though. That fire in my belly that seems to be the fuel I needed to get through the week. It bubbles the most when I feel out of control. Having control is like a sick lifeline I hold on to. Then when something happens like my puppy peeing in the house when I only left her for a short time is when everything starts to unravel.
It’s in moments like this I have to remember to take a breath. To step back, breathe, close my eyes and realize that everything is going to be ok. I AM going to be ok. I have weathered much worse storms than the one I am currently in and I am stronger than I give myself credit for.
So now I’m lying in bed, snuggling with my puppy girl and feeling more relaxed than I have all week.
On this eve of my birthday I have to just keep telling myself I’m strong and it’s going to be ok. Whatever ok looks like. It WILL be ok.