I decided to start this blog because I feel as though over the past 10 years my life has had so many ups, downs and sideways that I thought there might be someone out there who could benefit from some if the things I have to say. If one person reads any of it and it helps them in any way....this will all be worth it.
love, light & laughter to you all
I know I haven’t written in a while. Truth is life has gotten the better of me the past year or so. I have some pretty major things that have happened and some more pretty major things to come. I want to share this journey I have been on with you but I feel that it needs to be the right moment for me. As of right now life is sort of ‘standing still’ I’m in a bit of a waiting game. Hopefully by mid January I will have more answers and will be able to share with you what has been going on. I am still here…still surviving and I will touch back with you in the new year. Please be patient. Thoughts from a girl has so much more to share and say.
I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. It has been a very strange and painful time and I just wanted to hide myself away for a minute. Now I finally feel like I’m coming out of the darkness so I wanted to share some thoughts about my day.
It was beautiful in LA today. A perfect day to spend by the pool at my apartment complex. I invited my friend Kim and her daughter Sydney to come and join me and we made a day of it.
First let me tell you about the unicorn we call Sydney. She is a special little lady. Special in so many ways. But I will tell you this…she has this ability to make me so unbelievably happy and calm. She greeted me with the loudest “Ray Ray” that you could imagine, followed by a giant hug and snuggle. Her energy and constant awareness of what’s going on around her can’t help but make you be completely in the moment with her. You are forced to me mindful.
And her mom. My friend, sister, confidant Kim. We have the kind of friendship that as women I think we are always looking for. She gets me in a way that no one else really does. She is there when I need to cry to her and she knows that there are times that I might pull away and need to retreat and she lets me. Then we come back together and we talk it through. She helps me see myself in a way that is sometimes very difficult for me to see. I borrow strength from her on the daily (she is a total badass warrior momma) Kim is the type of person who would do anything for you and she has always been there for me when I have needed her.
We spent the day doing a little grocery shop together which was so much fun…then some serious play time with Baylee…a short snuggle while watching a show in my bed…followed by a serious pool session with snacks and laughs. I am amazed at the things that come out of Sydney’s mouth sometimes. She is so understanding, so empathetic, and so loving. I watched her with Kim when they were in the pool together and at one point Sydney just wanted Kim to hold her and rock her and she nuzzled under her neck. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.
Getting out in the fresh air with people I love and swimming was so healing for me today. A little part of my heart is a little less broken then it was yesterday.
After many conversations with my sister Shawna about what my life looks like right now I decided that I WILL look at every situation and every moment more carefully. In my early recovery I was taught how to respond to situations instead of reacting…so now…I’m going back to basics.
What you do, matters. The words you speak, the things you feel, the thoughts you hold, and the actions you take all have an influence on the quality of your life.
You cannot escape the consequences of the way you choose to live. So your best strategy is to make those consequences magnificent.
Instead of having to pay a price for your actions, you can be reaping the rewards of your actions. The choices you make in each moment are what make the difference.
If you carry around negative thoughts and feelings, and then express that negativity in your actions, you make your whole world a darker, more dismal place. Choose instead to adopt a positive perspective, seeing the best in other people and in the situations you encounter, and you’ll be adding new, meaningful value to your world.
In every little moment, the way you choose to be truly matters. Make a little positive difference, again and again, and it all soon adds to a life of real fulfillment and joy.
You have a very powerful influence on the world in which you live, and on the life you experience. Live as though everything matters, because it does, and bring your own magnificent consequences to life.
So I am at a stage in my life where things are changing pretty dramatically. I think about what my life is going to be like moving foward and some days it’s really exciting, then there are other days where it scares the sh!t out of me.
Real talk. In September of 2018 my whole world came crashing down around me like a dam breaking. My husband of 6 years and best friend of 10 years told me he didn’t want to be married anymore and wanted a divorce. It came as a huge shock and for the first week after it happened I couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t get out of bed. The sadness overwhelmed me.
The past few months have been really hard. There is such a sense of loss. One day I had a partner in life, someone who I shared everything with and who knows me better than anyone. Then the next day all of that is gone.
Fast forward to now. We have been trying to work things through in a civil manner to have some semblance of a friendship when all is said and done. I really thought we would be one of those couples that could be friends after a divorce. But as time has gone on that seems to be something that is just not going to be possible. There is too much hurt and too much anger.
I sit here today writing this and I am still in disbelief that this is what our relationship came to. But this is where we are. This is where I am. On my good days I can see the path out of this mess and on my bad days a snuggle with my puppy, coffee with a friend, working out or just sitting in front of the tv decompressing is enough to keep me going.
I know that all is going to be okay. That I am going to be ok. That when the hurt subsided and the anger lessens I will be ok.
I have developed a lot of little cracks over the course of my life. Some bigger than others. Some hurt more than others. From those cracks I have learned and grown. I have also fallen and cried. It can be both and in my life it certainly has been.
It took me a long time to allow myself to show other people (other than my family) the falling and crying. But it has been in those very intimate moments that true friendship and love have been found.
For all of you who have shared those moments with me…thank you. Thank you for embracing me and loving me through those tough times and dark moments. It is your light that shines in all my broken parts and little cracks.
You will never regret genuine kindness. You will never regret making the most of whatever is available to you.
Though it may be painful at the time, you will never regret being truthful. And you will never regret giving your best effort to whatever task is at hand.
You will never regret the time you spend with those you love. And whether or not it is appreciated, you will never regret giving a helping hand to those in need.
You will never regret taking time to enjoy life’s beauty. You won’t regret the time you take to learn.
When faced with a difficult situation, you’ll never regret choosing the most positive way forward. And even though they will demand much of you, you will not regret taking on the meaningful challenges.
Live true to who you are, and true to your highest possibilities. Though you won’t avoid all of life’s difficulties, you can avoid the painful regrets.