A thought on where WE are (operative word being we)

I have thought a lot about what if anything I would write about if I decided to write something. I’m not a big time blogger or a famous influencer but I felt and feel like that shouldn’t matter. Every voice no matter how big or small can make a difference.

I feel very strongly and deeply when people are in pain. My soul and heart hurt for what is happening in the world today. But I am also elated that so many humans have banded together for one singular cause. A cause that in my mind and heart shouldn’t be a cause at all after all this time. But never the less is. No person, no matter the color of their skin should ever feel less than, should ever feel like they do not matter and should absolutely NEVER feel in fear of their life. We are all created in Gods image and that doesn’t mean that because I’m white that God is white. What it does mean (to me) is that we are all created in the image of Gods soul. And I don’t know about you but I’m pretty sure a soul knows no color.

The peaceful protests that are rocking the world stage right now are a DIRECT response to hatred and bigotry that has been felt by POC for hundreds of years. A hatred that stems from more hatred. Have we not learned anything these past months with COVID. Have we not learned that we are all human. All fallible. All born. All live. All love. All die. Mother Nature is trying to tell us something and it’s a real shame that some (NOT ALL) are deafened to that message.

I am not a political person. But I strongly believe that the issues we are facing today NEED to be addressed by higher government. There needs to be major changes made to the way in which the people who are meant to protect us are governed. And I say that knowing and believing that some does not mean all. Not all police are bigots or racist just as not all people are AND changes need to happen and they need to come now. The Black community deserves justice after having to endure all this time, having to put up with the hate and sadness and pain and the loss of life.

I don’t know and am still trying to figure out how best to serve. I am reading and watching and learning. And am always willing for someone to tell and teach me. I am not a racist but I know that my ignorance makes me just as guilty as if I were and I am sorry for that.

A thought on returning…

I have been thinking for a long time on returning to my blog. When I first started it this was a place where I could share my thoughts on life. Then in the blink of an eye my life took turns I never could have imagined. What that did was leave me wandering and move into a very dark period. I took a very long trip down the rabbit hole and if it wasn’t for my family and friends I might have just stayed there.

So here I am…peeking my head out…dipping my toes back in the water.

I have made the decision to start writing again. To let my fears, my heart, my mind and my soul drip back on to these pages. In the hopes that it will help me heal the wounds of the past few years and maybe just maybe help someone else know that they are not alone.

I hope that you will all come along with me and if you know of anyone who would benefit from anything I write please feel free to share. And always know that my digital door is always open to chat.

I’ve missed this and all of you.


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A thought on life standing still…

Hi Everyone,

I know I haven’t written in a while. Truth is life has gotten the better of me the past year or so. I have some pretty major things that have happened and some more pretty major things to come. I want to share this journey I have been on with you but I feel that it needs to be the right moment for me. As of right now life is sort of ‘standing still’ I’m in a bit of a waiting game. Hopefully by mid January I will have more answers and will be able to share with you what has been going on. I am still here…still surviving and I will touch back with you in the new year. Please be patient. Thoughts from a girl has so much more to share and say.

Love to you all

A thought about my day…

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted. It has been a very strange and painful time and I just wanted to hide myself away for a minute. Now I finally feel like I’m coming out of the darkness so I wanted to share some thoughts about my day.

It was beautiful in LA today. A perfect day to spend by the pool at my apartment complex. I invited my friend Kim and her daughter Sydney to come and join me and we made a day of it.

First let me tell you about the unicorn we call Sydney. She is a special little lady. Special in so many ways. But I will tell you this…she has this ability to make me so unbelievably happy and calm. She greeted me with the loudest “Ray Ray” that you could imagine, followed by a giant hug and snuggle. Her energy and constant awareness of what’s going on around her can’t help but make you be completely in the moment with her. You are forced to me mindful.

And her mom. My friend, sister, confidant Kim. We have the kind of friendship that as women I think we are always looking for. She gets me in a way that no one else really does. She is there when I need to cry to her and she knows that there are times that I might pull away and need to retreat and she lets me. Then we come back together and we talk it through. She helps me see myself in a way that is sometimes very difficult for me to see. I borrow strength from her on the daily (she is a total badass warrior momma) Kim is the type of person who would do anything for you and she has always been there for me when I have needed her.

We spent the day doing a little grocery shop together which was so much fun…then some serious play time with Baylee…a short snuggle while watching a show in my bed…followed by a serious pool session with snacks and laughs. I am amazed at the things that come out of Sydney’s mouth sometimes. She is so understanding, so empathetic, and so loving. I watched her with Kim when they were in the pool together and at one point Sydney just wanted Kim to hold her and rock her and she nuzzled under her neck. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed.

Getting out in the fresh air with people I love and swimming was so healing for me today. A little part of my heart is a little less broken then it was yesterday.

So to Kim and Syd…thank you…for helping me heal.

A thought on how every little thought and action you take or make matters in your daily life…

After many conversations with my sister Shawna about what my life looks like right now I decided that I WILL look at every situation and every moment more carefully. In my early recovery I was taught how to respond to situations instead of reacting…so now…I’m going back to basics.

What you do, matters. The words you speak, the things you feel, the thoughts you hold, and the actions you take all have an influence on the quality of your life.

You cannot escape the consequences of the way you choose to live. So your best strategy is to make those consequences magnificent.

Instead of having to pay a price for your actions, you can be reaping the rewards of your actions. The choices you make in each moment are what make the difference.

If you carry around negative thoughts and feelings, and then express that negativity in your actions, you make your whole world a darker, more dismal place. Choose instead to adopt a positive perspective, seeing the best in other people and in the situations you encounter, and you’ll be adding new, meaningful value to your world.

In every little moment, the way you choose to be truly matters. Make a little positive difference, again and again, and it all soon adds to a life of real fulfillment and joy.

You have a very powerful influence on the world in which you live, and on the life you experience. Live as though everything matters, because it does, and bring your own magnificent consequences to life.

A thought about imagining a new life…

So I am at a stage in my life where things are changing pretty dramatically. I think about what my life is going to be like moving foward and some days it’s really exciting, then there are other days where it scares the sh!t out of me.

Real talk. In September of 2018 my whole world came crashing down around me like a dam breaking. My husband of 6 years and best friend of 10 years told me he didn’t want to be married anymore and wanted a divorce. It came as a huge shock and for the first week after it happened I couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t get out of bed. The sadness overwhelmed me.

The past few months have been really hard. There is such a sense of loss. One day I had a partner in life, someone who I shared everything with and who knows me better than anyone. Then the next day all of that is gone.

Fast forward to now. We have been trying to work things through in a civil manner to have some semblance of a friendship when all is said and done. I really thought we would be one of those couples that could be friends after a divorce. But as time has gone on that seems to be something that is just not going to be possible. There is too much hurt and too much anger.

I sit here today writing this and I am still in disbelief that this is what our relationship came to. But this is where we are. This is where I am. On my good days I can see the path out of this mess and on my bad days a snuggle with my puppy, coffee with a friend, working out or just sitting in front of the tv decompressing is enough to keep me going.

I know that all is going to be okay. That I am going to be ok. That when the hurt subsided and the anger lessens I will be ok.

Fuck that!!! I’m going to be even better.

A thought about broken parts and little cracks…

I have developed a lot of little cracks over the course of my life. Some bigger than others. Some hurt more than others. From those cracks I have learned and grown. I have also fallen and cried. It can be both and in my life it certainly has been.

It took me a long time to allow myself to show other people (other than my family) the falling and crying. But it has been in those very intimate moments that true friendship and love have been found.

For all of you who have shared those moments with me…thank you. Thank you for embracing me and loving me through those tough times and dark moments. It is your light that shines in all my broken parts and little cracks.

A thought about what I need to keep telling myself…

You can make real progress. And when you choose to, you will.

The challenges are solid and they are many. Yet the possibilities available to you are many, many more.

You are creative, informed, innovative, and skilled at finding a workable way forward. In your passion to make a difference is a continuous source of positive energy.

Each moment is a moment in which you can work to make more progress. Every thought, every action is an opportunity to add momentum to your efforts.

A vast abundance stretches out in every direction. From that abundance you can create meaningful achievement, value and fulfillment.

Time, resources and possibilities are available to you right now. And now is your moment to make the most of them.

With your authentic intention, persistently applied, you can. When you make the commitment, you will.

A thought on regret…

You will never regret genuine kindness. You will never regret making the most of whatever is available to you.

Though it may be painful at the time, you will never regret being truthful. And you will never regret giving your best effort to whatever task is at hand.

You will never regret the time you spend with those you love. And whether or not it is appreciated, you will never regret giving a helping hand to those in need.

You will never regret taking time to enjoy life’s beauty. You won’t regret the time you take to learn.

When faced with a difficult situation, you’ll never regret choosing the most positive way forward. And even though they will demand much of you, you will not regret taking on the meaningful challenges.

Live true to who you are, and true to your highest possibilities. Though you won’t avoid all of life’s difficulties, you can avoid the painful regrets.

A thought about my sweet puppy girl Baylee…

I know most people say that their dog is the cutest, smartest and most loyal. Well…I’m here to tell you all that my sweet pitty Baylee is all those things and more.

She has such an amazing spirit and always seems to know when the Mama needs a little extra snuggle.

She has THE BEST zoomies!!! If you are a dog owner, you know what I mean.

She also has the best tooshy shake. Yes. That’s right. She doesn’t just wag her tail…her whole tooshy shakes with it!!

She absolutely loves people and people love her. One meeting with her and people are hooked. She has this really cool way of knowing who’s a friend and who isn’t. She will walk up to almost everyone she meets. But there are times where she will just walk the other way.

She has lots of doggie friends too. There are a lot of dogs in my building and she is friends with all of them and in turn I am friends with the humans.

She HATES the rain. There is a hoodie of mine that she has taken over and won’t go out when it’s raining without it. And you have to promptly wipe her face and paws after she’s been out in the rain because she doesn’t like to get wet.

She LOVES broccoli and kale and HATES watermelon and most other fruits.

She sleeps in the bed with me at night and stays all cozy in the morning while I’m getting ready for work.

She loves her blankies and pillows.

One of my favorite things is on the weekend staying in bed in the morning and having a snuggle session with her.

She has been by my side over some of the most painful times in the past few years and now continues to be by my side during this next transition.

We have settled into a good routine her and I and I know that she knows that I love her to bits and would do anything to make sure she’s ok.

She has this crazy way of just staring at me. As if to say ‘Are you ok Mama?’

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…she has a hidden zipper somewhere and if you unzipped it there would be a little human in there. She does so many things where I’m just like ‘Where did you come from and how did I get so lucky?’

If you are thinking about getting a dog…DO IT!!!!

#adoptdontshop…It’s the most rewarding thing you will ever do.