A thought on crying…

So I seem to be spontaneously bursting into tears these days. Maybe it’s lack of sleep, maybe I have a lot on my plate, maybe it’s that what I see in the mirror most days…I don’t like. Regardless it just keeps happening.

So on my way home from work today the song ‘Be Still’ came on in my car and the flood of tears came. So I cried. I didn’t feel bad about it and I let it go on for as long as I needed it to.

Here are the lyrics…if you also feel so inclined have a good cry.

Be still
And go on to bed
Nobody knows what lies ahead
And life is short
To say the least
We’re in the belly of the beast
Be still
Wild and young
Long may your innocence reign
Like shells on the shore
And may your limits be unknown
And may your efforts be your own
If you ever feel you can’t take it anymore
Don’t break character
You’ve got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is done
Be still
One day you’ll leave
Fearlessness on your sleeve
When you’ve come back, tell me what did you see
What did you see (what did you see)
Was there something out there for me?
Be still
Close your eyes
Soon enough you’ll be on your own
Steady and straight
And if they drag you through the mud
It doesn’t change what’s in your blood
(Over chains, over chains, over ?, over ?)
When they knock you down
Don’t break character
You’ve got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Be still
Be still
Be still
Be still
Over rock and chain
Over sunset plain
Over trap and snare
When you’re in too deep
In your wildest dream
In your made up scheme
When they knock you down
When they knock you down
Don’t break character
You’ve got so much heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Oh Rise up like the sun
And labor till the work is
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is done

A thought on a few things that might just make life a little bit simpler…

1. Your resentment gives more power and influence to whatever you resent. Is that really what you want?

2. There’s no reason why a negative situation has to make you negative. You always have plenty of other options.

3. You don’t have to let your attitude be poisoned by other people, situations, or events. You can choose a positive, powerful perspective no matter what.

4. You don’t have to let your life be thrown into turmoil by every little thing that happens. Instead, you can decide to be directed by a deep and abiding sense of true purpose.

5. Remember who you are, and why you are, and what’s important to you. Focus a little more on what matters, and a little less on what just arbitrarily comes your way.

6. Live on purpose, live with purpose, and with constant, loving attention to that purpose. You can make life good in your own way no matter what.

A thought on part of the journey…

I met with my surgeon today and we are doing some more tests just to make sure all is well.

I also had a conversation with him about my reconstruction and how it has shattered my body image.

I was never really attached to my breasts. For some women their femininity it inextricably tied to them. For me…not so much.

That is of course until my double mastectomy. Which is where they remove all breast tissue all the way up to the collar bones. Then my reconstruction after have expanders for over two months. After all the swelling had gone down and I started to see what my breasts were going to look like I was devastated. I have since felt like I am deformed.

So when I saw my surgeon today, Dr. ‘C’, he explained that I am going to have to have another surgery this year to fix what has happened.

My implants have fallen below the ‘pocket’ and hollowed out at the top and because of this I have extreme discomfort that is only getting worse. He explained that it is important to try to get in and fix it before it get much worse.

Now, I am not having this surgery any time soon. But it will happen before the end of the year.

I even asked if it was really as bad as what I see in the mirror. He assured me that I wasn’t seeing things in a distorted way. What I was seeing is real.

This gave me some sick sense of comfort. Like I’m not crazy and seeing things. Like I really do know my body and all the things, sensations, pain and discomfort are real.

I can’t help but feel that there are probably so many women out there dealing with the same thing and my heart breaks for them. It is a deeply painful thing to go through. But again in that pain comes strength. I know that in the end I am beautiful no matter the scars (and there are plenty of them) and where my true beauty comes from is not my breasts but who I am as a human being. I care deeply for others and will always try to help in whatever way I can. I have an enormous sense of empathy for others pain. I love deep…from a part of me that I never even knew I had.

I would love more than anything to help all the other women out there going through this.

So…this is what I propose. If you know someone in your life who would benefit in any way connecting with me share this blog with them, give them my email or phone number. I am willing and want to help.

This will be the start of a new journey for me.

Love to you all xo

A thought about scary moments…

Over the past two years there have been a lot of scary moments in my life.

I’m not going to list them all here but sufficed to say they were damn scary.

I am now facing another scary moment tomorrow.

I have an appointment with my surgeon at UCLA. I have felt a few small lumps in my left breast that weren’t there before. Keep in mind I have little to no tissue after my double mastectomy so I never really thought I would be feeling lumps and bumps anymore.

This has brought up a lot of fear. It could be nothing. It could be the implant is leaking. It could be that more of my own tissue was left and there is something there.

What happens these days when I am faced with scary moments is a process.

First I pinch my hand to snap me back to the present. Then comes the deep breaths. Then comes the calm.

I have repeated this so many times in the past few weeks waiting for this appointment and will keep doing it.

Staying in the present is the only way to keep moving. Looking to the past and all the scary things that have happened isn’t going to help in the now and looking to the future to the what ifs is also not going to help me in this present moment. All I can do is deal with the right here and now.

Scary moments will come and go throughout our lifetime so should we dwell on those moments or move through them?


A thought about hurt…

So now I’m going to dig right in to my life and share feelings with all of you that I have only shared with the closest people in my life.

I am hurting these days in a way that is so hard for me…so deeply painful.

The hurt shows itself in many forms and the one that really gets me every time is the ‘heart’ hurt. You see, most of my life when I was feeling hurt I would quickly turn that in to anger. I would act out, I would be awful to the people around me and that is how I made it through. But this ‘heart’ hurt is a lot to bare.

It feels like someone is sitting on my chest.

I do the things that I know will help like working out, meditating, trying to eat well and so on, but nothing really helped this past week.

I have barely slept and have cried more than I would care to admit.

The anger is bubbling though. That fire in my belly that seems to be the fuel I needed to get through the week. It bubbles the most when I feel out of control. Having control is like a sick lifeline I hold on to. Then when something happens like my puppy peeing in the house when I only left her for a short time is when everything starts to unravel.

It’s in moments like this I have to remember to take a breath. To step back, breathe, close my eyes and realize that everything is going to be ok. I AM going to be ok. I have weathered much worse storms than the one I am currently in and I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

So now I’m lying in bed, snuggling with my puppy girl and feeling more relaxed than I have all week.

On this eve of my birthday I have to just keep telling myself I’m strong and it’s going to be ok. Whatever ok looks like. It WILL be ok.

A thought about now…

Life’s abundance comes to you continuously in great big, rich gobs of now. To experience the abundance, make full use of now.

The value of this moment is in the possibilities. To connect with the most value, work to fulfill the best possibilities.

Life is good to the degree that you give your attention and effort to it. This day is meaningful to the degree that you give your unique, creative and loving essence to living it fully.

It can be nice to remember the past and to dream about the future. Yet the time in which you actually live, in which you can make a real, positive difference, is now.

If you intend to make something happen, you must make the effort now. This, right now, is the time you have, so make full and effective use of it while it’s here.

Feel the goodness, love the beauty, fulfill the possibilities, now. The most powerful time in your life is now here, so make it count for something truly great.

A thought about wants…

Worrying about what you don’t want will not keep it from happening. In fact, by focusing your worry on what you don’t want you actually give more power and possibility to it.

Wishing for what you do want will not bring it about. Constant wishing can prevent you from getting what you want by taking away time, effort and focus that could be spent on effective action.

The reliable, proven strategy for avoiding what you don’t want and for getting what you do want is the same. Do something positive about it.

The way to get it done is to get busy working on it right now. The way to make a difference is to take focused, purposeful, persistent action.

You are fully capable, and uniquely inspired, to act in your own best interest and in support of the things you care about. So instead of wishing or worrying your time away, get busy doing something positive and effective.

Make constructive use of your valuable time. Use it to do something positive, and move your life and your world in the direction of your choice. #workinprogress

A thought about a peaceful moment…

A peaceful moment

The conflicts, disappointments and frustrations of the past do not matter now. Let them go, and feel the peace within.

Your worrisome thoughts of lack and limitation are nothing more than thoughts. Remind yourself that you have always been, and always are, more than enough.

Though you have the responsibility to deal with life’s challenges, you also have the power to feel life’s immense beauty. No matter what is asked of you, the unique beauty of your life is worth every effort.

Give yourself a peaceful moment, and feel the power of your best possibilities. Give yourself a peaceful moment, and feel authentic, limitless love for all you have and for all that is.

Experience how good it is to simply be. From the power of that experience, let sincere joy flow out from you and fill your world.

In pure, unconditional peace, there is great strength. In this moment, feel the strength and give to life the gift of peace.

A thought about my day

I woke up today, worked out and really felt great. As the day has gone on I have had a sadness that seems to be lingering. I will admit that I do have some challenges going on right now.

I will be making some pretty major changes in my life over the next few months and dealing with lingering health stuff from my surgery so it’s definitely scary and sad at the same time.

I was talking to a girlfriend last night and told her that I wished I could just fast forward to the end of the year and skip all the messiness. That I felt like there was nothing to look forward to this year. Since I can’t do that, I’m going to try (one day at a time) to be kind to myself. To do things and make plans that I CAN look forward to. I’m going to listen to my body and mind very carefully to NOT overdo it. I’m going to surround myself with people who will be there when I need to have a good cry and call me out on my shit when it’s needed. I’m going to snuggle my dog more. I’m going to drink hot chocolate (with marshmallows). I’m NOT going to throw a pity party for myself. I’m going to read more and watch less tv (that’s a hard one)

It might sound like these are New Year’s resolutions, but they aren’t. They are going to be the way I make it through all the messiness to the other side and finally feel the sense of relief I have been longing for.

A thought about my truths…

In an effort to let you all in and be as transparent as possible, here are a few of my truths:

1. I struggle almost daily with body self image issues.

2. I am very particular about how I like things to be in my home.

3. I am totally in love with my puppy Baylee

4. I love surfing but ever since I got hurt surfing years ago I am terrified to get back in the ocean

5. I hate onions and cilantro

6. I don’t go to nail salons because I like to do my own nails

7. I only wear bell bottom or wide leg jeans

8. I work out 20-30 minutes 5 days a week

9. I love lots of blankets and pillows on my bed and sofa because it makes me feel safe and cozy

10. My fridge is very neatly organized (bordering on compulsive)

11. I love eating cereal for dinner

12. I love doing and folding laundry

13. I so enjoy my job and the people I work for and with

14. I get scared very easily

15. I love reading before I go to bed

16. I don’t sleep well…really at all. I maybe sleep 4 or 5 hours a night and not in a row

17. I eat a lot of salad

18. On the weekend my hair is always in a bun and I’m in sweats

18. I struggle with anxiety and depression

19. I am still in pain from my surgery from over a year ago

20. Last but not least I love taking care of other people and fixing their problems but I am terrible at taking care of my needs

Well there you have it. Just a few of my truths. I’ll open up more as time goes on but for now this is as deep as I’m going to go.

Thanks for reading and please share to get my little blog out in the world🙏🏻