A thought about my sweet puppy girl Baylee…

I know most people say that their dog is the cutest, smartest and most loyal. Well…I’m here to tell you all that my sweet pitty Baylee is all those things and more.

She has such an amazing spirit and always seems to know when the Mama needs a little extra snuggle.

She has THE BEST zoomies!!! If you are a dog owner, you know what I mean.

She also has the best tooshy shake. Yes. That’s right. She doesn’t just wag her tail…her whole tooshy shakes with it!!

She absolutely loves people and people love her. One meeting with her and people are hooked. She has this really cool way of knowing who’s a friend and who isn’t. She will walk up to almost everyone she meets. But there are times where she will just walk the other way.

She has lots of doggie friends too. There are a lot of dogs in my building and she is friends with all of them and in turn I am friends with the humans.

She HATES the rain. There is a hoodie of mine that she has taken over and won’t go out when it’s raining without it. And you have to promptly wipe her face and paws after she’s been out in the rain because she doesn’t like to get wet.

She LOVES broccoli and kale and HATES watermelon and most other fruits.

She sleeps in the bed with me at night and stays all cozy in the morning while I’m getting ready for work.

She loves her blankies and pillows.

One of my favorite things is on the weekend staying in bed in the morning and having a snuggle session with her.

She has been by my side over some of the most painful times in the past few years and now continues to be by my side during this next transition.

We have settled into a good routine her and I and I know that she knows that I love her to bits and would do anything to make sure she’s ok.

She has this crazy way of just staring at me. As if to say ‘Are you ok Mama?’

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…she has a hidden zipper somewhere and if you unzipped it there would be a little human in there. She does so many things where I’m just like ‘Where did you come from and how did I get so lucky?’

If you are thinking about getting a dog…DO IT!!!!

#adoptdontshop…It’s the most rewarding thing you will ever do.

A thought on crying…

So I seem to be spontaneously bursting into tears these days. Maybe it’s lack of sleep, maybe I have a lot on my plate, maybe it’s that what I see in the mirror most days…I don’t like. Regardless it just keeps happening.

So on my way home from work today the song ‘Be Still’ came on in my car and the flood of tears came. So I cried. I didn’t feel bad about it and I let it go on for as long as I needed it to.

Here are the lyrics…if you also feel so inclined have a good cry.

Be still
And go on to bed
Nobody knows what lies ahead
And life is short
To say the least
We’re in the belly of the beast
Be still
Wild and young
Long may your innocence reign
Like shells on the shore
And may your limits be unknown
And may your efforts be your own
If you ever feel you can’t take it anymore
Don’t break character
You’ve got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is done
Be still
One day you’ll leave
Fearlessness on your sleeve
When you’ve come back, tell me what did you see
What did you see (what did you see)
Was there something out there for me?
Be still
Close your eyes
Soon enough you’ll be on your own
Steady and straight
And if they drag you through the mud
It doesn’t change what’s in your blood
(Over chains, over chains, over ?, over ?)
When they knock you down
Don’t break character
You’ve got a lot of heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Be still
Be still
Be still
Be still
Over rock and chain
Over sunset plain
Over trap and snare
When you’re in too deep
In your wildest dream
In your made up scheme
When they knock you down
When they knock you down
Don’t break character
You’ve got so much heart
Is this real or just a dream?
Oh Rise up like the sun
And labor till the work is
Rise up like the sun
Labor till the work is done

A thought on a few things that might just make life a little bit simpler…

1. Your resentment gives more power and influence to whatever you resent. Is that really what you want?

2. There’s no reason why a negative situation has to make you negative. You always have plenty of other options.

3. You don’t have to let your attitude be poisoned by other people, situations, or events. You can choose a positive, powerful perspective no matter what.

4. You don’t have to let your life be thrown into turmoil by every little thing that happens. Instead, you can decide to be directed by a deep and abiding sense of true purpose.

5. Remember who you are, and why you are, and what’s important to you. Focus a little more on what matters, and a little less on what just arbitrarily comes your way.

6. Live on purpose, live with purpose, and with constant, loving attention to that purpose. You can make life good in your own way no matter what.

A thought on part of the journey…

I met with my surgeon today and we are doing some more tests just to make sure all is well.

I also had a conversation with him about my reconstruction and how it has shattered my body image.

I was never really attached to my breasts. For some women their femininity it inextricably tied to them. For me…not so much.

That is of course until my double mastectomy. Which is where they remove all breast tissue all the way up to the collar bones. Then my reconstruction after have expanders for over two months. After all the swelling had gone down and I started to see what my breasts were going to look like I was devastated. I have since felt like I am deformed.

So when I saw my surgeon today, Dr. ‘C’, he explained that I am going to have to have another surgery this year to fix what has happened.

My implants have fallen below the ‘pocket’ and hollowed out at the top and because of this I have extreme discomfort that is only getting worse. He explained that it is important to try to get in and fix it before it get much worse.

Now, I am not having this surgery any time soon. But it will happen before the end of the year.

I even asked if it was really as bad as what I see in the mirror. He assured me that I wasn’t seeing things in a distorted way. What I was seeing is real.

This gave me some sick sense of comfort. Like I’m not crazy and seeing things. Like I really do know my body and all the things, sensations, pain and discomfort are real.

I can’t help but feel that there are probably so many women out there dealing with the same thing and my heart breaks for them. It is a deeply painful thing to go through. But again in that pain comes strength. I know that in the end I am beautiful no matter the scars (and there are plenty of them) and where my true beauty comes from is not my breasts but who I am as a human being. I care deeply for others and will always try to help in whatever way I can. I have an enormous sense of empathy for others pain. I love deep…from a part of me that I never even knew I had.

I would love more than anything to help all the other women out there going through this.

So…this is what I propose. If you know someone in your life who would benefit in any way connecting with me share this blog with them, give them my email or phone number. I am willing and want to help.

This will be the start of a new journey for me.

Love to you all xo

A thought about scary moments…

Over the past two years there have been a lot of scary moments in my life.

I’m not going to list them all here but sufficed to say they were damn scary.

I am now facing another scary moment tomorrow.

I have an appointment with my surgeon at UCLA. I have felt a few small lumps in my left breast that weren’t there before. Keep in mind I have little to no tissue after my double mastectomy so I never really thought I would be feeling lumps and bumps anymore.

This has brought up a lot of fear. It could be nothing. It could be the implant is leaking. It could be that more of my own tissue was left and there is something there.

What happens these days when I am faced with scary moments is a process.

First I pinch my hand to snap me back to the present. Then comes the deep breaths. Then comes the calm.

I have repeated this so many times in the past few weeks waiting for this appointment and will keep doing it.

Staying in the present is the only way to keep moving. Looking to the past and all the scary things that have happened isn’t going to help in the now and looking to the future to the what ifs is also not going to help me in this present moment. All I can do is deal with the right here and now.

Scary moments will come and go throughout our lifetime so should we dwell on those moments or move through them?


A thought about hurt…

So now I’m going to dig right in to my life and share feelings with all of you that I have only shared with the closest people in my life.

I am hurting these days in a way that is so hard for me…so deeply painful.

The hurt shows itself in many forms and the one that really gets me every time is the ‘heart’ hurt. You see, most of my life when I was feeling hurt I would quickly turn that in to anger. I would act out, I would be awful to the people around me and that is how I made it through. But this ‘heart’ hurt is a lot to bare.

It feels like someone is sitting on my chest.

I do the things that I know will help like working out, meditating, trying to eat well and so on, but nothing really helped this past week.

I have barely slept and have cried more than I would care to admit.

The anger is bubbling though. That fire in my belly that seems to be the fuel I needed to get through the week. It bubbles the most when I feel out of control. Having control is like a sick lifeline I hold on to. Then when something happens like my puppy peeing in the house when I only left her for a short time is when everything starts to unravel.

It’s in moments like this I have to remember to take a breath. To step back, breathe, close my eyes and realize that everything is going to be ok. I AM going to be ok. I have weathered much worse storms than the one I am currently in and I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

So now I’m lying in bed, snuggling with my puppy girl and feeling more relaxed than I have all week.

On this eve of my birthday I have to just keep telling myself I’m strong and it’s going to be ok. Whatever ok looks like. It WILL be ok.

A thought about now…

Life’s abundance comes to you continuously in great big, rich gobs of now. To experience the abundance, make full use of now.

The value of this moment is in the possibilities. To connect with the most value, work to fulfill the best possibilities.

Life is good to the degree that you give your attention and effort to it. This day is meaningful to the degree that you give your unique, creative and loving essence to living it fully.

It can be nice to remember the past and to dream about the future. Yet the time in which you actually live, in which you can make a real, positive difference, is now.

If you intend to make something happen, you must make the effort now. This, right now, is the time you have, so make full and effective use of it while it’s here.

Feel the goodness, love the beauty, fulfill the possibilities, now. The most powerful time in your life is now here, so make it count for something truly great.