A thought on part of the journey…

I met with my surgeon today and we are doing some more tests just to make sure all is well.

I also had a conversation with him about my reconstruction and how it has shattered my body image.

I was never really attached to my breasts. For some women their femininity it inextricably tied to them. For me…not so much.

That is of course until my double mastectomy. Which is where they remove all breast tissue all the way up to the collar bones. Then my reconstruction after have expanders for over two months. After all the swelling had gone down and I started to see what my breasts were going to look like I was devastated. I have since felt like I am deformed.

So when I saw my surgeon today, Dr. ‘C’, he explained that I am going to have to have another surgery this year to fix what has happened.

My implants have fallen below the ‘pocket’ and hollowed out at the top and because of this I have extreme discomfort that is only getting worse. He explained that it is important to try to get in and fix it before it get much worse.

Now, I am not having this surgery any time soon. But it will happen before the end of the year.

I even asked if it was really as bad as what I see in the mirror. He assured me that I wasn’t seeing things in a distorted way. What I was seeing is real.

This gave me some sick sense of comfort. Like I’m not crazy and seeing things. Like I really do know my body and all the things, sensations, pain and discomfort are real.

I can’t help but feel that there are probably so many women out there dealing with the same thing and my heart breaks for them. It is a deeply painful thing to go through. But again in that pain comes strength. I know that in the end I am beautiful no matter the scars (and there are plenty of them) and where my true beauty comes from is not my breasts but who I am as a human being. I care deeply for others and will always try to help in whatever way I can. I have an enormous sense of empathy for others pain. I love deep…from a part of me that I never even knew I had.

I would love more than anything to help all the other women out there going through this.

So…this is what I propose. If you know someone in your life who would benefit in any way connecting with me share this blog with them, give them my email or phone number. I am willing and want to help.

This will be the start of a new journey for me.

Love to you all xo

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